Posted by: bourbonmama | 27/05/2009

Yesterday, after coming home from the grocery store, I laid Nate down for a much needed nap.  He’d thrown a fit nearly the entire time.  I came into the office to zone out on the computer and wait for him to fall asleep.  The phone rings, it’s the mother-in-law’s number, shit.  I don’t have the energy, I’ll call her back in a minute after she leaves a message.  I forgot about it, went back to my zoning out.  I noticed the phone blinking when I got up to go outside for a cigarette, Oh, yeah, the mother-in-law.  I went outside and connected to the voicemail.  It wasn’t her though, it was the father-in-law, that’s weird.  “Caroline, hey it’s FIL.  Uh, well, uummm,” it was silent for a moment.  Oh, no, I thought, Philip’s 92 year old grandmother died.  It’s a call we’ve been expecting for a while. His voice interrupted my thoughts.  “I don’t quite know how to say this.  David _____ killed himself this morning.”  I dropped the phone and the battery popped off.  I let out a guttural cry.  Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt my throat closing in.  We had just seen him on Sunday.  Nate flirted with his wife and chased his 4 year old grandson around.  While Philip and Dave rode motorcycles and caught up.  We laughed.  HE laughed.  He was doing better than he’d been in years.  I guess that was just the surface. 

Once I caught my breath, I put the phone back together and dialed Philip’s number.  “Hey.  What’s up, Babe?”

“I just got a message from your dad.”  My voice cracked and I couldn’t stop shaking. 

“From my dad?  What happened?  What’s wrong, Baby?”

“David ______ killed himself this morning.  I don’t know anything else, that’s all I heard.”  I couldn’t hold back anymore.  I cried like I haven’t in a long time.

“What?  How?  That’s wrong!”  Philip’s own voice beginning to crack.  “Baby, are you OK?” 

“I will be.  Just call your dad.”  I hung up the phone and set it on the patio next to me.  One of the happiest people I have ever known.  Full of life and smiles, never a harsh word towards anyone.   

I wish I knew what it was.  What demons he was wrestling with to want to do this.  An incident, that’s all it ended up being, a three sentence blurb that focused more on the traffic that was caused than the life that was lost.  The world lost a wonderful man yesterday morning.  He will be sorely missed.

I lit another cigarette, and stared at the bricks around our fire pit.  My tears slowed, my breathing regulated.  I closed my eyes and turned my face to the sun.  I tossed my cigarette butt in the bucket, went into Nate’s room, and watched him sleep for a moment.  I silently promised to never leave him.  I picked him up, still limp for his nap, and laid him on my chest.  I sat down in the rocking chair, and we just rocked for a minute.


  1. ohhh… i’m soo sorry. so sorry. hugs and hugs and hugs. and a stiff drink.

  2. Hey princess, I updated my link to your new blog, and I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. The real shocker in suicide is that some people seem to act like themselves, maybe even happier than usual, before committing the deed. It’s because they have already made peace with their intention to want to take their own lives.

    Again, I’m really sorry. If you need to talk about it, let me know. I didn’t know the guy, but I’ll let you vent to me if you wanna.

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