Posted by: bourbonmama | 13/06/2009

Why My Baby Brother Should Find Someone His Own Age

A couple of weeks ago one of my brothers (Dennis, the youngest twin) and his girlfriend (the one who loves to suck up to me) were over. We were drinking on our back patio and had a good fire in the pit Philip built last month. I was thinking how nice it was to hang out with Dennis and how much I wish Carl (the other twin) was there. Then, like clockwork, he calls Dennis. “Whatever, Dude*, we don’t have the gas to go all the way out there and pick you up. We were just there. If you wanted to leave early, you should have told me then. We would have just hung out for a while.”
I look at Dennis, “Does he need somebody to pick him up? I’ll go.”
“No, he definitely doesn’t want you to pick him up.” What the hell did I do? Then, to Carl, “Dude!*  Just try and see if she’ll drop you off over here.”  He hangs up the phone.
Oh, he’s with a girl. My younger brothers don’t like introducing girls to me because they never pick girls that are good enough. After the last girl that Carl dated (she was 17, he was 21, she was super slutty and bitchy, he was super horny and didn’t care), no one is even aloud to mention the others’ girlfriends around me. Leave it to little Ms. Kisses-Caroline’s-ass to spill the beans.
“He’s just all pissed ‘cuz he’s hanging out with a bunch of old people. I mean she’s 26.”
“She’s twenty-six? What the hell is he doing with a 26 year old?” Carl just turned 23.
“Shut up! You know we’re not supposed to tell her!”
Little Ms. Kisses-Caroline’s-ass ignored Dennis’ pleas for silence. “Whatever, she’s not gonna say anything to him. Yeah, she might be older.”
“Older than 26?”
“Yeah, he’s just pissed, he said it was just a bunch of old people drinking wine and kids running around.”
“Ha!! Well, what the hell does he expect? That’s what people my age do. Hell, I’ve got less two years till I hit 30. That’s what he gets for trying to mess with someone older. And what the hell is someone her age doing with Carl?” It’s not like he’s a mature 23, that would entail paying rent to a landlord and not my father. Dennis is still freaking out and hu-rumph-ing, “Don’t worry, Man*, I’m over ya’ll and your stupid girlfriends [no, Little Ms. Kisses-Caroline’s-ass didn’t catch that it was directed at her, as well]. I learned my lesson with Slutty McUnderage, I’m not gonna say anything to Carl. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t try and find someone who is his own age.”

And, scene.

*Yes, my brothers and I call each other, as well as most other people, Dude and Man, it’s a hell of alot easier than remembering everyone’s name. 



  1. mee meee!! i’ll come over and hang out with wine and kids!!

    • We always forget the marshmellows! But we’ve always got graham crackers (Nate’s) and chocolate (Philip’s) stocked in our pantry. Next time you’re in KY, you can come over and hang out by our pit. We’d love to have ya, just don’t forget the marhsmellows!

  2. ollllld… my ass. i’m going to be 32 this month. and a bonfire with wine sounds just dandy.

    got any marshmallows?

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