Posted by: bourbonmama | 23/06/2009

Body Image

I had a whole post written yesterday.  Almost clicked publish, but decided not to.  I deleted it this morning.  It was whiny and pitiful, which is not a side of me I want you to see.  I was going to just let it go, but then as I was lurking, I read this post

I have never had any issues with my body before I got pregnant.  I actually posed nude for art classes, when I was 21.  I was never uncomfortable.  I was the same size at 26 that I was at 15.  I got ragged on by my friends.  Told constantly that I needed to eat a cheeseburger.  Those were the friends that had never shared a meal with me, they didn’t realize that I regularly consumed an entire box of macaroni and cheese, for lunch.  Yep, I was that girl.  The one who could eat and drink whatever she wanted and not gain an ounce.  I never knew how lucky I was.  Until I got pregnant and gained 75 lbs.  My weight almost doubled in 7 mos. 

I knew my body would never be the same.  I knew that I’d get stretch marks and cellulite.  I was ready for it.  Or so I thought.  Last year, I stayed away from the bathing suits, I was still a little too insecure and using Nate’s age as a reason not to go to the pool.  Then it started getting warmer and the new bathing suits were everywhere I looked.  I waited patiently for them to go on sale, and started venturing in, checking out what I had to work with.  I told Philip that I wanted to go shopping on Saturday, when everyone had them on clearance (yes, welcome to the world of poor white trash, we don’t pay full price for anything).  It didn’t fit into our schedule, so Nate and I went yesterday.  To.  The.  Mall.  We went to three different stores.  I tried on a myriad of suits.  The one suit I thought I could live with, the one that was under $40, and covered what I wanted covered was too big.  I sat down on that bench thingy in the dressing room and sarted to cry.  Nate looked at me through the mirror, cocked his head to the side, and said “Bra?”

“Yes, Baby, that looks like a bra.”  I wiped my eyes, put back on my clothes, and pushed the stroller through throngs of people, back out into the humid June air that felt surprisingly refreashing.  I told Philip that it would be another year until Nate would get to go swimming.  

This morning, I read that post, and realized how stupid I was being.  I went to Old Navy, and bought one of the last suits in my size (and paid only $19–SCORE!), and walked out kicking myself for going to the Mall yesterday.  There must be subliminal messages  in that horrible techno blasting through the speakers, “You look fat, you’re a lard ass, everyone’s gonna laugh at you…”



  1. Ohhhh, man, I can’t believe how many times I’ve been in exactly that position. I agree with you about the subliminal messages couched in the fake hipster techno — I also think there’s something sketchy about those mirrors and that lighting. It’s all a big conspiracy.

    I’m so glad the post helped. I hope it can help me, too — I was probably mostly preaching to myself. :)


    I was 24 when I got pregnant with my first. I weighed 140. I am 5’8″. I put on 60lbs. I was that girl too, I could eat anything and I never gained weight. People hated me. After my baby I could only get back to 150lbs. Cool, I thought, only 10lbs I couldn’t shed. Then when I was 29, I had my second baby and gained another 55lbs. After her, I was able to get down to 160lbs. She is now ten and I am on two antidepressants that cause weight gain and I weigh 190lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I hate myself!!!!!!!!!! I take adderal…..NO WEIGHT LOSS. I smoke…..NO WEIGHT LOSS. I AM ON WEIGHT WATCHERS…..maybe .2lbs a week. I am seriously thinking about the Amy Wino diet!!!!

    • Oh, God no, the crack head, meth addict diet doesn’t look good! Besides, ice doesn’t have much flavor.

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