Posted by: bourbonmama | 21/09/2009

We’re right back where we started.  It’s like a never ending cycxle of hurtful words and angry eyes.  This morning I woke up in a fog of emotions.  My eyes still sore from the tears I couldn’t control.  I think it’s me.  I think I’m really going crazy.  I think I’m becoming her.  Is this what it was like?  I can totally understand why she started drinking.  If I didn’t know what I would turn into, I would too.  I used to love having the bed to myself.  Last night, it was just cold and empty.  I want to raise Nate with both his parents, in a happy home.  I’m beggining to think that we can’t.  I can’t.  I don’t even know why we were fighting.  Only that in the end, I left, only to find that he’d taken my key off the ring.  I had to tell him I’d called to the cops so he would let me back in.  I left, I told him to get used seeing his son every other weekend.  I didn’t mean it.  Nate’s the only thing that matters, so I use whatever amo I have.  The only thing I know that can make him hurt.  I’m so fucked in the head.  So fucking crazy.  How do I stop this?  I feel like I can’t control myself.  I just get so pissed off and then someone, something, else takes control, and makes a mess of everything.  There’s no going back, now.  Now, I have to find a place to live, a job that will pay me a decent wage, full-time daycare for Nate….This is just too much.  I don’t know how to fix it.

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Responses

  1. Oh hun, I wish I didn’t know what that was like. And I’m sorry, which doesn’t help because it doesn’t really fix anything.

    I can’t tell you what to do, what is best, especially in your partnership.

    I can tell you that I dealt with that. That feeling of no control. Still do sometimes. I can tell you that I saw a doctor. I can tell you that I’m on medicine that helps and doesn’t make me comatose. I can tell you lots of things. Things that may not do any good.

    So the one thing I really want to tell you is that I have a friendly ear and you have my email if you ever want to use it.

  2. Honey, I’m so sorry.
    Will be praying for you.

  3. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any words besides I’m sorry. I have two ears and two shoulders and worlds of understanding.

    xoxo.

  4. Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry. I know this doesn’t help your situation at all, but know that I am thinking of you and sending you virtual blessings.

  5. oh. i’m sorry. you have my email address. will you please email me? or any one of us commenters here?

    don’t “they” say that if you think you’re going crazy, you’re not? or something like that. if you didn’t think you were crazy you’d BE crazy? or something.

    this is being grown up. i hate it. let’s ditch school and hang out at the beach. we’ll roast marshmallows and tell secrets.


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